New Quotes On Life

New Quotes On Life
funny Quotes and Sayings

funny quotes and sayings

funny Quotes and Sayings  article is dedicated to all those suffering people, who experience moody days. Guys, you are not alone! We are here to help you escape from the goddamn depression and get some inspiration from our great collection of the best funny quotes, that we could find on the Internet!

Funny Positive Quotes for Every Day

This page represents the funniest quotes for every day of your life. We offer you to join our laughing community and share these cool sayings with your dearest persons! Make their day brighter!

funny quotes and sayings
funny quotes and sayings
funny quotes and sayings
funny quotes and sayings
funny quotes and sayings
funny quotes and sayings
funny quotes and sayings
funny quotes and sayings

More funny Quotes and Sayings:

Is your friend in a bad mood? Does he refuse to go for a walk, to play video games and even to talk? The Internet makes the communication much easier! You can send one of these funniest ever quotes to cheer him up!

  • “Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.” Comedian Adam Gropman
  • “We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.” Paula Poundstone
  • “Never steal. The government hates competition.”
  • “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” Margaret Mead
  • “Practice makes perfect but then nobody is perfect so what’s the point of practicing?”
  • “No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” Abraham Lincoln
  • “If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.”
  • “I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect.’”
  • “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” Jim Carrey
  • “Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?”
  • “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.” Jerry Seinfeld

Famous People’s Funny Quotes and saying

If you do not trust that we have a good sense of humor – then trust the experts of this field, to the famous people. They tend to be witty minds today, as the biggest fame follows the peppered tongue. Check some of their quotes here!

  • “General Mills 
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?” Jay Leno
  • “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” Elbert Hubbard
  • “Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol (Josh Hara)
  • “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” Reba McEntire
  • “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” Albert Einstein
  • “The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” Gore Vidal
  • “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” Winston Churchill
  • “The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.” Businessman Stanley Randall
  • “A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.” Winston Churchill
  • “Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.” Steve Martin

Looking for the best sarcastic  funny quotes and saying?

We’ve compiled a list of top 80 funny quotes sarcastic sayings and awesome quotes about sarcasm.

funny quotes and sayings
funny quotes and sayings
  • “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
  • “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
  • “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
  • “You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”
  • “Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”
  • “If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
  • “I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”
  • “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant.
funny quotes and sayings
funny quotes and sayings

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

 

We have put together a list of the shortest 50 funny Quotes and Sayings. I advise learning these hilarious sayings well, you never know when you might need them!

  1. I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
  2. Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
  3. I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
  4. Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
  5. If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer…
  6. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  7. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
  8. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.
  9. If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
  10. Don’t drink while driving – you might spill the beer.
  11. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
  12. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
  13. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problem, but neither does milk.
  14. My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry…
  15. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
  16. I’m not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.
  17. Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
  18. The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.
  19. I’m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.
  20. I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.
  21. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
  22. You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death.
  23. The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.
  24. A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
  25. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  26. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  27. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  28. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of bank payments.
  29. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  30. If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.
  31. Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
  32. The road to success is always under construction.
  33. When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
  34. If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
  35. If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?
  36. Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
  37. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  38. I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
  39. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  40. God created the world, everything else is made in China.
  41. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.
  42. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
  43. Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!
  44. I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
  45. You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.
  46. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
  47. You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
  48. Don’t you wish they made a clap on clap off device for some peoples mouths?
  49. If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
  50. If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

101 Short Funny Quotes and Sayings with Pictures

Experiencing problems and melancholy is inevitable in life. Sometimes, short funny quotes can help up loosen up a bit. Here we have collected short funny quotes and sayings which can help you be happier and help you feel better. First in line is a compilation of inspirational and funny quotes from movies. If you are a fan of Spider Man, you may be familiar with

Inspirational Funny Quotes from Movies

1. Do, or do not. There is no “try”. – Yoda, from Star Wars

funny quotes and sayings
funny quotes and sayings

2. You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love. – from The Notebook

funny quotes and sayings
funny quotes and sayings

3. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. – Ferris, from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

funny quotes and sayings
funny quotes and sayings

 

 About funny Quotes and Sayings:

A compilation of funny sayings and short puns – keen and winged words of wisdom – This list can be an inspiration for speeches, letters, greeting cards, weddings, birthdays, and goodbye / farewell.

The pun is mightier than the word.

The road to success is always under construction. [Lily Tomlin]

All my life I’ve always wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific.[Jane Wagner]

I worry whoever thought up the term “quality control” thought if we didn’t control it, it would get out of hand.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president. I’m beginning to believe it.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. [Pat Sajak]

The only power you have is the word ‘no’. [Frances McDormand]

Art doesn’t transform. It just plain forms. [Roy Lichtenstein]

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

I don’t like balance. Balance is not a word you can use in Versace fashion. [Donatella Versace]

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Everyday is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience … well, that comes from poor judgment.

Answering machine message: “You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message”

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel – if there isn’t, it’s not a tunnel …

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person (pay attention, this one never fails – although the reverse conclusion is not always true).

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is, never try.     

Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

Erma Bombeck

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.      

Steven Wright

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.     

Ralph Bus

A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion.

George Carlin

I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.     

Demitri Martin

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.     

Richard Jeni

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.     

Fred Allen

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.     

Agatha Christie

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.     

Steve Martin

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Robert Bloch

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.     

Will Rogers

funny quotes and sayings
funny quotes and sayings
Wit is man’s greatest treasure, someone said. And yes, he was right. Wit helps us see the absurdity in the most serious situations, and is hence important in life everyday. Life is supposed to be an erratic wave function, which the wise people have interpreted as a phenomenon with a lot of “ups and downs”, and funny and witty sayings do help in the place where life dips a bit too low. These quotes will help put a smile on your face. The more absurd and wiseass they are, the better, I say.
“Fish and visitors stink after three days.”
 Ben Franklin
“Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.”
 Anonymous
“I can’t be out of money, I still have checks left.”
 George Clark
“Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.”
 Franklin Jones
“Black Holes are where God divided by zero.”
― Albert Einstein
“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
 Steven Wright
“If you want to be criticized, marry. ”
 Irish Proverb

 
Read More : newquotesonlife

1 comment on “funny quotes and sayings

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *